XXX is Amsterdam

My first impression of Amsterdam was plain and simply "hectic". The train station was absolutely gorgeous (on the outside), but directions to the trams were vague at best - and yet still better than those blasted French. The day before we got there, the city had instituted a new kind of public transport ticketing device called a "chipkaart". So we have to master this new system that not even the Dutch have figured out yet. Awesome!

On top of this, we have to navigate around "the bikes". The Dutch are CRAZY about bikes. It's the national hobby and pastime of the Dutch, and they take to it with a vengeance. You better have ten sets of eyes to watch out for every body part, or you're losing an arm or at least suffering a crushed foot.

The tram (once we got on and paid an outrageous fee for it) was filled with tourists, who, like us, had absolutely no idea where they were going. Now when I was booking our hotel, I thought situating it in the quiet, slightly removed Museums Quarter was a favorable option. This tram ride made me want to rethink that decision. It was long, very hot, and very crowded. Of course, I was grateful it even had a public transport system, unlike many of the cities we will be going to in Italy.

Our hotel was fine - in a quiet part of the city by a giant park. And orange. How many does this make? Oh yes, three orange rooms. Three out of five so far. What is Europe's obsession with the color orange?? Yes, I know orange is the national color and whatnot of the Netherlands, but it's a really freakin' ugly color for a bedroom. And the rest of Europe has no excuse!

We took some time in our fruity colored room to read up on the cuisine of Amsterdam because by this time it's almost dinner and we're starting to get hungry. Our last real meal was Breakfast in Bruges, so my stomach is starting to complain. The first thing the guidebook tells us is that the food of Amsterdam is entirely underwhelming. In an interview with an Amsterdam-ian, the resident stated that his favorite restaurant in Amsterdam was in Antwerp. Not entirely believing this, we set out to just wing it. Nearly two hours later, utterly starving and horrified by the choices given to us: fast food that looks like it was imported from a Japanese laundromat (who else needs their food constantly prepared and served by robots?), mediocre Italian, and lots and lots of "coffee", we stumble upon a wonderfully familiar sight: The Hard Rock Cafe!

My ode to the Hard Rock: No matter what city I'm in, no matter where in the world, I can always rely on the Hard Rock. I remember stumbling upon it on our last day in Dublin, where the only thing we craved was a freakin' normal hamburger and fries (of course the only places open that morning were traditional Irish breakfast cafes. Black and white sausage anyone?) The Hard Rock in Amsterdam did not disappoint. The wait for inside was up to 50 minutes, so we chose outside and 'discreetly' moved our table as near the heat lamps as we dared. Hamburger, fries, salad, and macaroni and cheese. We were in heaven, literally. That macaroni and cheese was some of the best I have ever eaten, if I didn't count Jiko. If you don't know what Jiko is, just know it has the most amazing steak/mac&cheese combo in the world.

So, saved from hunger, I buy a hoodie on the way out and we call it a night.

The next day, we sleep in a bit before going out to hunt for lunch. We needed something quick and near the train station because we were taking a walking tour at 1. I'm going to spare you from that meal choice...Let's just say Amsterdam food leaves a lot to be desired and fast food is anything but fast when the servers are stoned into stupidity.

Our walking tour was fantastic - our guide was a dude from Ireland and he was very energetic and enthusiastic about the city of Amsterdam. He had anecdotes about absolutely everything. "When you hear the bell, run like hell!" - in relation to the bikes. That one, we got immediately. Also, the canals of Amsterdam are dredged every year to bring up the third layer on the bottom - bikes. Thousands of them are pulled out of the canal every year, refurbished, and sold back into the population. Apparently, if you'd been in Amsterdam over 15 years, chances are you're riding a refurbished bike you also owned 10 years ago. And, if you're really desperate for a bike, you can go stand on a bridge with a bike lock in hand, and a junkie will sell one to you for 15 euros. If he's really desperate, you can get away with a cigarette and pat on the back. Course, this also means that the guy just nipped you a bike from round the corner somewhere. Yeah, don't get too attached to your bike in Amsterdam. You could also get a bike (true story, by the way) by running up to someone on a bike and screaming "THAT'S MY BIKE!" There's a 90% chance he'll get off and run like hell in the opposite direction.

He also told us about the miracle of Amsterdam: a magical, fire-proof, levitating, teleporting piece of bread. True story. Look it up.

Last tidbit: Amsterdam is the city of XXX. And I'm not just talking about porn. The emblem of Amsterdam is actually XXX. They don't know what it means. They have a few theories, but no real idea where it came from. Since Amsterdam used to be a huge exporter of porn, it's believed that XXX came to be associated with sex through mail-order porn from Amsterdam.

Now we come to the juicy stuff: the coffee shops and red light district. From what I'd heard from everyone, I was expecting the Las Vegas of porn streets. Lights, shows, weird instruments of torture everywhere! I was actually kind of disappointed. Yes, the girls in the windows were a bit of a surprise, but other than that it was kind of low key. Or at least, as low key as a sex district can hope to be. Other than the live girls available for your viewing pleasure, it was no different than any other row of porn shops and nude shows.

The coffee shops were interesting, though. The mayor has decided to start cracking down on the number of coffee shops around the city, especially those near schools. In the last ten years, the number has been reduced by half. In the next ten years, he hopes to move the vast majority out of the city center. We were warned that if we came back in ten years, the demographic of Amsterdam could be radically changed. Our guide then took us to the most famous coffee shop in Amsterdam: the one used by Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Matt Damon in Ocean's 12. Now, I don't really remember that movie so the place itself didn't really enthuse me, but one of it's occupants did. The fattest, most stoned cat I have ever seen. The whole group sat there staring at this ginormous cat for about 10 minutes. It was hilarious in its apathetic-ness. Nothing phased this cat. Now, what the heck is a cat doing in a 'coffee' shop? Apparently Amsterdam has a very big mouse/rat problem. They're everywhere. If you go into a restaurant and you don't see at least one cat around, your food might be a wee bit questionable. So either way, the food in Amsterdam is horrible. Either cat hair or mouse droppings. Pick your poison.

The tour lasted over 2 1/2 hours and was filled with stuff like this - highly entertaining stuff that kept us laughing as we wandered all over inner Amsterdam.

Now, we were supposed to go on the Red Light District tour next - I was kind of disappointed by how tame it was and wanted to hear more of the olden time-y stories. At least those were highly interesting. However, we met up with two guys from New Zealand (lots of talk about WETA) and a girl from Munich and started a weird pub crawl through all of Central Amsterdam.

Lots of hilarity ensued - I didn't drink much since I'm too much of a light weight, but it was lots of fun hanging out with people from different countries. For example, to people in Germany it's too weird to have waffles for breakfast. And Michael Jackson is truly the king of pop. Our New Zealand pals had also traveled throughout Eastern Europe before, namely Croatia, and made us very glad we didn't attempt the train system there. Conversation they had with a train driver: "Where's this train going?" "I don't know. Forward. I drive it forward."

We make our way back to orange-ville in time for some packing, shower, and sleep before our train at 11 the next morning.

-Lauren